Monthly Archives: September 2012

My Bedbug Nightmare


I would not wish bed bugs on my worst enemy. You think you have it bad with a roach infestation or termites? I would rather sleep in a bed of termites gargling cock roaches than deal with another bed bug infestation in my life. Sounds like the finale of Fear Factor, am I right?

It all started when I began to wake up with itchy red bumps on my arm. There would usually be about 40 of them in an erratic pattern. The first day I wrote it off as allergies. Yet each following day, the problem only got worse. Eventually I woke up to a flat black bug crawling on my arm. Was this a beetle? I flicked the first one off in disgust. Waking up to bugs in your comfort zone is not exactly ideal. After flicking off the first bed intruder, two reinforcements took his place. I threw off the covers and started feeling a bit sick. Then I noticed some motion out of the corner of my eye. I turned to see dozens more of these critters crawling up my walls. I made a retreat to my shower, only to find yet another small, black armored bug on my shower curtain.

Okay, first they invade my bed and then my shower? Time to put these guys on Chris Hanson’s sexual predator list.

When I squished the bug a bright red liquid squished out onto my finger tips. This had to be human blood because bug guts are usually brown, and I don’t think bugs have a tendency to eat ketchup.

After some well educated…Wikipedia research (it counts sometimes) I uncovered the identity to my bedroom intruders: Bed Bugs.

At that point in time, I didn’t even think Bed Bugs were a real thing. I thought they were part of a phrase to scare children from  going to sleep. “Don’t let the bed bugs bite.” But the nightmare that was about to unfold was all too real.

Check this out. Bed bugs can last an entire year without food. So if you think you can outsmart them by sleeping somewhere else, think again. They’ll either wait near your bed until their favorite human blood pie returns for a snooze, or more likely, they’ll follow you to your new slumber spot. They are a menace that will follow you into the depths of the Earth for a chance to drink a drop of your blood. Bed bugs put vampires to shame. After all, a crucifix, garlic, a silver bullet, daylight, or badly directed movie starring Kristen Stewart will do nothing to kill a bed bug.

Not only are these creatures nearly invincible, but they pop out babies like jack rabbits on speed. We’re talking about more than 200 babies within the span of a month.

If this isn’t bad enough, this army of numerous and nearly invisible creatures can also hide virtually anywhere. So to get the record straight. They’ve got the blood lust of a vampire, the invisibility of Chuck Norris, the stealth of a ninja and they make an exponential number of children.  Not to mention that they are itchy and annoying – the bed bugs, not the vampires or ninjas.

So how does one go about eliminating such a beast? If you are a tidy person, there is some hope for you. Yet if you are a slob like me – getting rid of bed bugs will be about as difficult as escaping David Bowie’s labyrinth with pickle juice in your eyes. You see, bed bugs can hide between the pages of a book and lay nearly invisible eggs in your clothes. You must wash everything you own twice in burning hot water and then seal it in airtight garbage bag. That which can’t be washed is thrown away. But even washing and throwing away almost all of your possessions will not eliminate this curse.

The only thing that can truly kill a bed bug is extreme heat. If you live in a Sauna or Sahara desert you may be okay. Yet if you don’t, you will have to call an exterminator to bring the heat to you for about $800 a room. The exterminator will push something that looks like the world’s biggest slinky through your window and then heat your room up to the temperature of 200 degrees. Thus melting many of the possessions that you haven’t thrown away or washed.

So surely this expensive and extreme procedure will kill the bed bugs, right?

Not necessarily. Even after all this, there will still be a few survivors left living in your mattress. Which means you will have to encompass your mattress with a protective casing that will keep all the bed bugs trapped inside. Yes, you will be sleeping on a Sarcophagus of blood hungry vermin for about a year at this point. Only then, will you POSSIBLY get rid of the plague that is bed bugs.

To make a long story short. I would rather swallow a gallon of live millipedes marinated in a spicy Vindaloo while laying on a bed of nails than ever, eeever deal with bed bugs in my life again.