Category Archives: Me Forcing an Opinion on You (A Review!)

A Book Review of the Bible


Our best-selling author, God, blows his competition out of the water (literally) with plot twist after plot twist – making M Night Shyamalan look like an amateur. Read in at least 33% of the humanized world, and on the best seller list for a thousand years, the bible is without a doubt, the best book ever (James Patterson eat your heart out).

Like any great tale God begins with a “bang!” Bam! The Earth is made, and God makes it awesome. Here, a bit of pretentious flair seeps through his writing, God references himself in the third person a lot, (but when you’re book is on the best sellers’ list for a thousand years, you are allowed to do that.)

When the Earth is made, all seems well at first, but this is only the calm before the storm. God sets the scene in paradise, where our protagonists, Adam and Eve, live eternally young. But of course the complacent bliss of Eden only serves as a contrast to man’s tragic fall. Through a sequence of snake filled seduction, man goes from romping naked through flower fields to toiling amongst thistles and thorns (Genesis 3:18).

After Adam and Eve fall lower in self respect than tabloid rejects, God introduces more characters into the plot than a Tolstoy novel. In Genesis, he literally lists the descendents of every man who ever walked the Earth. At times this constant character introduction can become tedious, but that’s okay, because most readers will suffer through these parts until they get to the bits about Solomon’s 300 concubines (Kings 11:1).

Among some of the more interesting characters we have the seductress Esther, who uses her sex appeal to prevent a Babylonian king from committing a genocide against the Jews. Our Babylonian King is none other than the infamous Xerses – you may know him from the cameo in Frank Miller’s 300. It is a classic tale of drama, intrigue, romance, and murder. Not only does Xerses not kill the Jews at the end of this tale, but he has the man who suggested the idea of genocide impaled on a seven foot spike in the palace garden (Esther 7:1).

The most intriguing element of God’s writing style though, is his sense of humor. A prime example is found in 2 Kings 2: 23. In this text God introduces the miracle maker Elijah (not to be confused with everyone’s favorite Hobbit Hottie Elijah Wood). When a mob of forty-two young boys gather around Elijah and start chanting “go away baldy,” Elijah summons two bears from the woods to maul this motley crew of twerps. The vengeance of our bestselling author is as swift as it is sweet, and as humorous as it is creative. I know that I was one of the adoring fans cheering Elijah and his furry friends on as they kicked copious amounts of pre-pubescent ass.