Tag Archives: Humor

Noah’s Ark and the Bunny Apocalypse

Standard

Growing up my family had pets from all five animal kingdoms: birds, reptiles, amphibians, mammals, and fish. We had chameleons from Hawaii that my dad smuggled into the continental states, geckos, iguanas, snakes, parakeets, mice, crickets, worms, rabbits, cats, dogs, newts, salamanders, and fish – a large variety of fish. We had two of each animal. I wouldn’t be surprised if my dad had a unicorn stashed in the closet.

With multiple creatures come multiple personalities. Many of our animals were liberal spirits at heart, roaming the house quite freely – despite our best efforts to contain them. The gecko liked to hide behind paintings. Perhaps his own coloration made him identify with Van Gogh – his back was bright blue with black dots, his underbelly neon orange.

Flick the parakeet wasn’t much of a talker, but a great listener. He was my first mate who sat on my shoulder while I played pirates. While he was only a first mate, he constantly tried to promote himself to captain. When I placed him on my shoulder, he used his beak and talons to climb up my hair and stand on my head. He would also mutiny against me when I tried placing him into his cage. When I wasn’t looking, he would reach his beak through the bars of the cage, push the latch away, and escape to tease the cat, poop on the sofa, and commit other acts of pirate barbarity. I never asked where he hid his “treasures,” nor did I want to know.

Then there was Adora the gender bending rabbit. When my family first received Adora, the cashier at Pet Smart informed us that our rabbit was a girl. Shortly after, we decided that Adora needed a gal pal so she didn’t get lonely. Two weeks later our two female rabbits somehow managed to create 12 nugget sized, furless creatures. Either it was an act of immaculate conception, or Adora was more of a Hugh Hefner than a Playboy bunny.

Before Adora got married, when he was a Bachelor bunny, his nature was much more peaceful. He would amble into my lap like a self-possessed fur ball and watch TV with me. His head tucked between his front legs, his ears drooping over his sides. He would sit there calmly for hours and soon my lap would begin to feel warm, as if I was holding a loaf of freshly baked bread. I thought it was the warmth of affection, but when I looked down I realized that it was the call of nature. It’s difficult to train bunnies to use a litter box.

Yet after his bachelor days were over, our relationship changed. As I tried to hold him in my lap he would kick me with his back legs or chomp on my fingers like they were peach colored carrots. Every moment he spent away from his wife was a moment he missed out on fulfilling the creed of the Bunny profit Abraham – he needed to go forth and multiply; and bunnies were very devout to this principal.

Adora didn’t discriminate. He fulfilled the Abrahamic creed with his wife, daughters, and any object that moved. Within a month two bunnies turned to 12, and 12 bunnies turned to 30. Within a year we would’ve had a full blown bunny invasion on our hands. If the trend continued, bunnies would be popping out of cabinets, falling from the ceiling, and flooding the house in a tidal wave of poofy, fluffy fertility. A throbbing mass of button eyed cotton tailed creatures would descend upon us like a plague of locusts. It would be the final apocalypse. A bunny apocalypse; which I admit, wouldn’t be a bad way to go.

My parents decided that they couldn’t let the bunny apocalypse happen. Therefore they needed to take action. One day, the whole cotton tailed tribe vanished.

“We took them to a farm, a bunny farm.” My Dad said simply. He said it was a place where they could run free, feed off of vegetables, and get lots of fresh air and sunshine. It was bunny heaven.

Today I have to wonder if this is true, or if they simply released the poor creatures into the woods. I guess wherever they are, they’ll be a force of fur and fertility for another person and another day.